Love Story | Beyond The Gender Binary

A message popped up on my phone. I immediately tapped the screen to open it. 바카라�You are using the wrong pronoun to address me. I don바카라�t identify as a woman,바카라� it read. I sensed I had done something wrong. But I had no idea how they had taken it. I apologised for my error, and asked, 바카라�What pronouns should I use for you?바카라� A cold reply: They/Them ended the chat for the day.

For the rest of the day, I kept mulling over my actions and words which I always thought were innocuous. But were they really innocuous?  This was a time for introspection. As a heterosexual male, I never expected that I would ever meet a genderqueer on a dating app. I had installed a dating app owing to lockdown-induced solipsism, which was taking a toll on my mental health.
Before installing the app, I didn바카라�t have any expectations for the simple reason that I believe dating apps are for good-looking people and I do not see myself as one. Moreover, I also used to think that these apps were used by the phoney lot, who would put out exaggerated versions of themselves, pretending to be people they were not. 

My purpose was not to date, but to find someone to talk to. Before the lockdown, I was seeing someone, but living in isolation had changed everything. I wasn바카라�t sure what would happen; it didn바카라�t seem to be working out. So, I thought I should move on even though I wasn바카라�t ready for dating.

One profile 바카라� a profile with a symbolic name to hide real identity 바카라� grabbed my attention. I liked the looks of the person, who I thought was a girl. They had shorter hair, big eyes, beautiful smile 바카라� I have been attracted to such girls, so I swiped right.

The next day, a notification appeared; 바카라�it바카라�s a match'.

This dating app had an interesting feature 바카라� women would always make the first move. The person I was talking to didn바카라�t identify with the female gender, but they must have selected it since no other gender option was available.

I waited for them to break the ice, and it happened with a simple, 바카라�Hey, how바카라�s it going.바카라� It is quite an interesting pick-up line, unlike the other banal, fancy or quirky ones that people use. It simply asks a question that you can comfortably answer.

On day one, our conversation started with Indian politics and ended on a friendly note. For a heterosexual male, queer relationship is a strange idea. But when I was talking to this person, I felt I gravitated toward them. It was an enriching experience; we talked about Urdu and Hindi literature, our favourite authors. We were stuck on the stories of Urdu writers Khadija Mastoor and Hajra Masroor, known as the Brontë sisters of Urdu literature: we both love them. Then, our conversation veered to the state of the Indian media. 

(Image credit: Shutterstock)

We kept on talking even as I was addressing them as 바카라�she바카라�. But, on that day, when I was told that I was not using the right pronouns, I was disillusioned with myself 바카라� my presumed innocuous way of addressing them was problematic. I realised my act was unthoughtful and was embarrassed about it.

To my surprise, they were kind enough to let it go 바카라� it was a genuine error of judgment from my side. But after a point, perhaps they realised that they couldn바카라�t go ahead with a heterosexual male who might not understand them. I also didn바카라�t try much. It was the right decision. Still, our conversation was on until it stopped one day. Probably, they have uninstalled the app or just stopped talking to me, thinking it to be an exercise in futility. But, thankfully, they haven바카라�t unmatched me yet. I don바카라�t know why; probably they will resume the conversation someday 바카라� a possibility that this seems bleak to me.

I wanted to be their friend; we could have shared phone numbers and hung out. Unfortunately, it didn바카라�t happen as the person I was talking to was uncomfortable sharing their identity 바카라� I didn바카라�t even ask. However, the learning it brought stayed with me. I now realise that I don바카라�t have any friends from the LGBTQIA+ community, except a few acquaintances. Probably that was the reason behind my convenient oblivion.

I used to think that non-binary people are intersex 바카라� their anatomy and genes don바카라�t fit the typical definition of male and female. But it was not right. Non- binary people may be born with bodies that fit typical male or female, but their innate identity is different from both genders.
I spent days researching non-binary people and the various ways to be respectful to them. There is not enough literature; the only way I can understand them is by talking and showing empathy. In a conservative society like India, making space for non-conventional identities has always been tough 바카라� it바카라�s only in the Metro cities that people talk about them.

All this happened before the release of season three of Sex Education (2019), a Netflix show which is being admired for the responsible depiction of various gender and sexual identities. In the show, Jackson Marchetti sees Cal Bowman as a girl and not someone who바카라�s non-binary. I could see how tough it was for someone who identifies as non-binary: straight persons would always show interest in them. So many relationships and friendships get affected because of this misplaced interest. It, of course, applies to all identities. Only an empathetic and informed outlook can help us form better relationships.

I have uninstalled dating apps now. But I am glad that I used them. It served the purpose: I learnt a lesson for life. Probably, I am a better person now.