Book Excerpt: We Are All Beggars Of Love

Our love story began the way most big love stories begin, after great sex. It didn바카라�t matter that it was in the bathroom of a low-cost airline called  Air  Deccan, that we바카라�d nicknamed  Air Dhakkan because its engine rattled throughout the journey, like a lid on a boiling pan. It didn바카라�t matter that the air hostess had to force open the bathroom door after banging on it for ten minutes. The only thing that mattered was that when we got back to our seats, he바카라�d said, 바카라�Close your eyes and look into the darkness, jaanu.바카라�

This was how Suneet spoke. I wanted him to know that I understood him. I shut my eyes.

바카라�What do you see?바카라� he asked.

I took a deep breath. 바카라�I see you,바카라� I said.

바카라�Smiling?바카라�

바카라�No, frowning.바카라�

He punched my arm. We laughed. 바카라�Be serious. I want you to see me. Do you see me?바카라� he asked.

바카라�I see something,바카라� I said. 바카라�I see the clouds above you . . . the aisle behind you. I see you lifting your hand to your mouth and chewing your fingernails.바카라�

Silence. Even in the darkness I could sense his disapproval.

It was 2006, two days before Valentine바카라�s Day. Suneet and I were returning to Mumbai after a weekend trip to Goa. It was the type of trip that only new lovers can take. The type we took after meeting each other randomly in the US and spending eight months chatting on Skype and MSN. The type where people watched us with their hearts in their eyes, wishing they could experience a love like ours. The type where he  whispered into my ears, 바카라�You바카라�re an oasis for a desert full of thirsty men, everyone wants a sip!바카라�

But Suneet was flying back to his job in Boston the next day. We didn바카라�t know when we would meet again.

바카라�Sorry . . . I see you. Of course, I see you, jaan,바카라� I said. He was actually all I saw.

바카라�Good. Now, tell me, my angel. Do you know what love is?바카라� he asked me. 

Love? I smirked. Of course, I knew what love was. Everyone knew what love was. We바카라�d all said it to someone. We바카라�d all had someone say it to us. But when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. What the fuck? I was drawing a blank. Why had no one taught me what love was? 

My orderly mind crumbled. Loosened fragments arranged and rearranged themselves at random. Bits of life made themselves prominent, the small and insignificant injustices of love, the silence of victories from deep within the noise of love. My heart had been broken at twenty-one by my straying first love. The hearts I had broken in the following years to draw blood back into my own. The men who바카라�d said they loved me, some of whom I바카라�d said I loved back, only because crushing someone바카라�s hopes seemed like the worst kind of sin. 

바카라�I can바카라�t . . . you know . . . define love. I need a dictionary,바카라� I mumbled and smiled.

바카라�Answer me.바카라�

바카라�Fine,바카라� I said quickly. 

바카라�You are love.바카라�

바카라�No.바카라�

바카라�No?바카라�

바카라�No.바카라�

How can a correct answer be incorrect?

바카라�I am not love, jaanu, because I cannot be everybody바카라�s love. Only yours, forever yours,바카라� he said.

Ah! I was his and he didn바카라�t even know it.

바카라�Okay,바카라� I said.

바카라�Love is yielding.바카라�

바카라�Love is caring.바카라�

바카라�Love is acceptance.바카라�

바카라�No! No! No! No clichés,바카라� he said. 

바카라�You call yourself a writer, don바카라�t you?바카라�The previous night I had given Suneet a half-written love letter, in which I had told him that he was the song for those who didn바카라�t sing ...his love an anthem that rose like hope. I wanted him to fill in the rest, because I knew his heart. Now he wanted to know mine. Could I tell him? 바카라�I guess I...I don바카라�t know what love is,바카라� I admitted.

 

바카라�Love is something we can바카라�t control,바카라� he said quickly, as if he바카라�d been anticipating my failure. 바카라�If I tell my hand to hold your hand, it will hold your hand. If I tell my foot to kick you, it will kick you. I can control my physical body. But what I have inside...the stuff I cannot see, and you cannot see ...is what I cannot control. I cannot tell my cells, 바카라�Okay, today you will not grow.바카라� I cannot tell my liver, 바카라�Okay, today you cannot make bile.바카라� I cannot tell my heart not to beat. But when my heart thinks of you, it beats faster, on its own. That is love.바카라�

Something inside me stirred, as if a long slumbering giant had awakened.

바카라�You are love,바카라� he added. 바카라�You바카라�re an amazing person with an energy that is pure and innocent.바카라�

바카라�That바카라�s so sweet, Suneet,바카라� I said. He always found ways to define what I couldn바카라�t. I kissed him.

바카라�Now...slowly...바카라�  he added, 바카라�Put your left hand into your right hand.바카라�

I put my left hand into my right hand.

바카라�Is it warm?바카라� he asked.

바카라�Yes,바카라� I said slowly. 바카라�It바카라�s warm.바카라�

바카라�That warmth belongs to me. Don바카라�t you ever forget that.바카라� 

I opened my eyes. They were fluttering with delight. Isn바카라�t the eye where the heart comes to rest?  I looked into his eyes.  They were brown. I liked everything brown, I decided: chocolate, mud after rain, rusted doorknobs, the first fallen leaf in a desert.

바카라�If you ever miss me just hold your hands together, feel that warmth, and you바카라�ll feel me,바카라� he added. 바카라�That바카라�s love.바카라�

I understood what he was doing. You can바카라�t explain love to a plant or philosophy to a dog. We feel only what we understand. And he felt love for me. He wanted me to understand that.

I went numb with joy.

바카라�Do you love me?바카라� he asked.

If you put a frog in cold water and heat it slowly, it will not notice. And, before you know it, you바카라�ll have a boiled frog. Love바카라�s like that. You바카라�re bumbling through life not knowing what you바카라�re doing, and suddenly, it바카라�s there and you바카라�re in love. I knew I was in love. I loved the curl in his arms, strong, even though he didn바카라�t exercise. The way his butt looked after he came out of the shower. Taut like the crust of a freshly baked baguette I wanted to bite into.

I nodded. I really did. I really loved this man.

바카라�And I love you,바카라� he said. 바카라�I feel so lucky to have met you. You바카라�re fabulous.바카라�

I smiled. He said this to me all the time.

He smiled back at me and said, 바카라�That바카라�s why I wanted to ask you, Manu, will you smoke my snake for life?바카라�

I didn바카라�t understand what he meant.  He took out a joint from his sock.

바카라�What ...are you crazy?바카라�  

I whispered fiercely. I looked around. The cabin was dark. 바카라�You바카라�ll get caught.바카라�

바카라�Shhhh...바카라� he said calmly. 바카라�You know I call my weed my snake, right? So, I want to know if you would like to spend the rest of your life smoking my snake with me?바카라�

I was still too alarmed for his words to sink in. 바카라�What?바카라� 바카라�Will you marry me?바카라� he asked.

I fell back in my seat and felt the breath go out of me. I looked out of the window. The moon was shining like a button in the black blanket of the night, lit with our love.

바카라�Should I?바카라� I asked.

I hadn바카라�t known Suneet for long. It had only been a few months. In that time, with me in Mumbai and him in Boston, we바카라�d only spend nine days together in total. Could I marry a stranger?

바카라�Give me one reason why we shouldn바카라�t get married,바카라� he asked. He didn바카라�t look upset.

바카라�Because we don바카라�t know each other very well, Suneet. We바카라�ve only met during trips like this,바카라� I said. He was one of the few people with whom I didn바카라�t censor my thoughts. 바카라�Shouldn바카라�t we give ourselves more time?바카라� 바카라�It바카라�s not the time spent but the love given,바카라� he said. He paused as I let his words sink in. 바카라�Don바카라�t overthink this, Manu.'

'You바카라�re one in six billion. I never thought I바카라�d meet someone like you. I really never did! It바카라�s renewed my hope in mankind and in myself. Of course, it바카라�s also ruined me for anyone else!바카라� I laughed. Suneet always knew exactly what to say and when.

I also knew that I was twenty-five years old which, by Indian standards then, made me a leftover bride: the one who attended only other people바카라�s weddings. I didn바카라�t know what I was waiting for. Back in Mumbai, there were men who were interested in marrying me, but I didn바카라�t want their money or stability or goodness. I couldn바카라�t bear their predictability. I wanted a man who was made only for me. I wanted striving. I wanted elevation. I wanted passion. Suneet offered me all that. A  middle-class  NRI  boy  working  in  the  US,  paving his own righteous path in the world, he was different from the rich spoilt deathly-dull south Mumbai boys I바카라�d grown up around. In the musical chairs of potential matches, Suneet was the only one I wanted sitting down.

He held my hand tightly. 바카라�Manu, do you know that before I  met you last July, I바카라�d never felt alive. My life was a burden. Then you came and everything  changed. I never thought I would meet someone so perfect, so amazing! It was like God had made an angel in the sky just for me, and dropped her into my lap. Since the day we met, I바카라�ve woken up every morning feeling so grateful that you바카라�re in my life. I can바카라�t take a single breath without remembering you. You have no idea what you mean to me and how much, my darling.바카라�

I sighed. I바카라�d never met a boy who spoke this way.

We seek the extraordinary because it rarely occurs in our life. We don바카라�t even know how to recognize it. Here was my chance. I could make the ordinary come alive and make it extraordinary.

'That바카라�s why I want to marry you,바카라� he continued. 바카라�I know how lucky I am to have you in my life. I don바카라�t want to spend another moment without you, my angel, my princess. You are the only thing I need in my life.바카라�

I smiled. His words sounded poetic and deep, hence true.

바카라�I like to think that my hobby is to change people. I was trying to do that for you, but you ended up changing me,바카라� he continued. 바카라�For the first time in my life I trust someone. I feel so safe and secure with you. I cannot live without you.바카라�

바카라�But will we make each other happy, Suneet?바카라�

바카라�I don바카라�t care about my happiness as long as you바카라�re happy,바카라� he said quickly. 바카라�Promise to stay happy forever, my sonu. If not for yourself, please keep doing that for me. I don바카라�t ever want to see a frown on that beautiful face.바카라�

I smiled. Sometimes you need to be loved a certain way to find what you바카라�re seeking.

바카라�Remember  one  thing,  Manu,  if  you바카라�re  not  smiling  then  I바카라�m  not  doing  something  right,바카라�  he  added.  바카라�You바카라�re such an amazing person  with  so  much  potential.  You바카라�re going to do great things with your life. And all I want is a ringside seat to cheer you on!바카라�Life had taught me that it was important to be with someone who wanted you urgently, so I said, 바카라�Yes. Yes! Suneet, let바카라�s smoke the snake together, forever.

Let바카라�s get married.바카라�

I knew then only passion and none of its consequences.

바카라�Pukka, my little bhondu?바카라� he asked.

바카라�Ermmm,  actually, let me think about it for forty more years,바카라� I said and laughed.

바카라�Chal hat!바카라� Suneet said with joy and hugged me.

He looked so happy. It made me so happy. After all, we are all beggars of love.

(Excerpted from 바카라�Boys Don바카라�t Cry바카라� by Meghna Pant, with permission from Penguin Random House India. Meghna Pant is an award-winning author, journalist, feminist and speaker.)