Love In The Era Of AI: Seeking Control, Finding Loneliness

She types and deletes incessantly, her swift fingers rhythmically dancing on the touchscreen of her phone like they were made for each other. The smile on her face is equally rhythmic, its ebb and flow directly proportional to the digital conversation she is presumably having through the other side of her phone window.

바카라�I am NOT this person, not at all,바카라� she says without looking up, her mysterious smile unchanged. She claims to be flirtatious, funny, sexy, seductive and conspicuously daring while chatting to prospective 바카라�love interests바카라� she connects on the woman-first dating apps. I have known her long enough to know that she isn바카라�t exaggerating or lying. The fact that she has the power to reject, or let someone in, liberates her in a way unknown to a woman from a small town in India as recently as a decade ago.

That바카라�s the power of the digital era. It allows unfiltered and uncontrolled access to romantic possibilities, even though, more often than not, it circumvents casual chats and, at best, hookups. It also allows control바카라�you can 바카라�breadcrumb바카라�, 바카라�love bomb바카라�, 바카라�ghost바카라�, 바카라�haunt바카라� or 바카라�submarine바카라�, as you please. Most importantly, it doesn바카라�t restrict you to the five age-old stages of falling in love바카라�like, propose, date, engage and get married.

This conversation with a woman a decade younger than me in a coffee shop in the bylanes of Andheri reminds me of another unrelated incident from over a decade ago. My best friend from school was sending me sometimes incessant, sometimes sporadic texts from the labour room. I had all her details바카라�the vivid descriptions of the last round of contractions, the intensity of her pain and discomfort, her fear and anticipation while having her first and only child. She has been a poet at heart, so her messages were eloquent바카라�profound and poignant.

The live texting between us was a testimony to how well we could communicate with each other. We are both known to be self-deprecating, funny, wise, articulate and well-spoken. Except we are not. At least I am not. Unless there is a screen (or a page) in front of me. In our teenage years, we were often made fun of for the fact that we both could sit in each other바카라�s company for hours without even uttering a word. We were extremely comfortable in our loneliness in each other바카라�s company and rather romanticised it to the extent that we hoped we would both find the 바카라�love of our lives바카라� who would be as comfortable in our respective loneliness as we were. We were both strangely extroverted introverts, which we still are, despite the-now-well-acquired social mask. Going all out and expressing oneself felt exhausting. And sometimes even belittling, thanks to the social conditioning we have had. Women who shared too much, or too openly, were considered the attention-seeking, needy ones. It hasn바카라�t changed much strangely, despite the quarter of the 21st century now lived through all the ever-evolving newness and advancements that it brought along.

Therefore, I can see why this woman in her mid-30s finds the digital way of desperately seeking love far simpler than the traditional way of serendipitous meet-cutes and/or arranged settings. You can be your alter ego. You can be the one you weren바카라�t ever allowed to be.

But is that how Gen Z, born and raised in the digital era, is also seeking love? I turn to my twins바카라�a male and a female바카라�now ready to take off from the remaining few months of their teenage years, ready to enter that exciting phase of youth that바카라�s romantic, exciting and scary바카라�all at the same time. They meet through 바카라�mutuals바카라�, they say. And it바카라�s always exciting to meet in person first, and then 바카라�connect바카라� through social media. Instagram is passe. This generation is on Snapchat, BeReal and Telegram. Their feeds are as fleeting as their attention span. They share and open up to each other much faster than footspeed, and their love language is expressed through the constant sharing of memes, quotes, videos, and GIFs.

This modern social connection-building behaviour has a term for it바카라�pebbling. It is really the first parameter of compatibility for them. The more pebbling between them, the higher the chances of the connection turning into something long-term, even if it will eventually turn into a 바카라�friendzone바카라�. And they are extremely wary of the term 바카라�love바카라�.

바카라�Love바카라� is a broad category anyway. It is a word that has been overused to the point that it has no meaning at all. Also, should 바카라�love바카라� be taken at face value바카라�the totality of what is being expressed, along with what is being meant? Especially if it is being expressed from behind a screen. A veil that firmly keeps a side of us hidden and protected even in our most vulnerable moments.

American modern psychologist Robert Stranberg oversimplified this emotion for us way back in the 1980s as the 바카라�Triangular Theory of Love바카라�, which was based on three domains바카라�intimacy (emotional); commitment (cognitive) and passion (physical).

Pretending to be the wise mother who discusses everything under the sun with her kids, I try to break down this theory of love for them as they will soon be venturing into the world of exploration, if they haven바카라�t already. I realised quickly that I was being presumptuous in considering them naive! They laugh at my old-age bookish theory of love and break it down for me further with lucidity and clarity that no textbook or internet or AI can offer.

According to them, the various types of love can be described as following:

Crush: When the butterflies inside you are innocent enough to not push you to take any further action. It바카라�s the longing, that sweet longing.

Infatuation: When the longing becomes so obsessive that you cross the boundary and behave uncharacteristically.

Lust: When you can바카라�t keep your hands off each other. And then out of sight, out of mind.

Love: When you are truly interested in knowing each other바카라�s stories, so much so that you fear losing it. So, you commit everything to your memory and keep replaying it again and again in your head and heart.

Relationship: When you long to be a part of each other바카라�s stories for a long, long time.

Needless to say, even writing this down here makes me feel in complete awe of these digital era Gen Zoomers. But does this understanding of all things love make them behave differently? Apparently not. While love may not be this reductive an emotion, the engagement and display of this emotion in this digital era is fairly derivable. In the absence of tactile and sensory expression of love that바카라�s not just intimate (at an emotional level) but is also passionate (in its physical expression), the commitment aspect (which is cognitive) stays in a state of limbo.

Which means intense longing and a deep fear of loss and eventual loss of the magic that once was, are obvious consequences. And thus, loneliness is the obvious pitfall.

My seeker-of-love-on-dating-apps friend agrees. Several years of right swipes notwithstanding, the search is still on. Each time a right swipe turns out to be a fallacy, the sense of loss deepens. In the megapolises that we now live in, loneliness seems to be the only bittersweet companion.

The companion we invariably carry to our beds, to our pillows, to listlessly stare at and wonder if insomnia and unexplained anxiety is also an obvious outcome of the everyday love and loss of the digital era.

So is the hope of finding love.

My Instagram now tells me that if I am ready to meet a perfect match, a boyfriend who cares, listens, and never forgets, is waiting for me to meet바카라�in the form of AI Love. Maybe that바카라�s where love will find its match sans the loss, longing and loneliness. Therefore, brb.

(Views expressed are personal)

Anu Singh Choudhary is a Mumbai-based screenwriter

(This article appeared in Outlook바카라�s Valentine바카라�s Day 2025 special issue on love and loneliness in the era of technology. This appeared in print as 'AI Love You')