Beyond The Body: Asexual Dilemma Of Love And Romance

Can marriage be consummated without sexual interaction? This question continues to bother Zainab (name changed on request) as she wipes the dust off Foucault바카라�s History of Sexuality while cleaning her bookshelf. A scholar of gender history, she was unaware of her asexuality until she started finding out more about 바카라�relationships without sex바카라�.

바카라�I got into relationships with men but never felt sexually attracted to them. I thought it was due to my low sexual drive,바카라� says Zainab, who is in her mid 30s. Some of her friends asked her to wait for the 바카라�right person바카라� who would 바카라�make her sexually active바카라�. 바카라�But nothing worked and ultimately, I discovered myself. I am a heteroromantic asexual who may connect to men romantically, but not sexually,바카라� she says.

Zainab is not the only one who struggled to discover her asexual identity. Reports of the Williams Institute, which conducts independent research on sexual orientation and gender identity law and public policy, suggest roughly one per cent of the world population is asexual바카라�these people don바카라�t get sexually attracted to others. However, it does not mean that asexual people cannot have sexual desires at all. There is a difference between sexual desire, libido and attraction.

In the words of Raj Saxena, the founder of the social media page Indian Asexuals바카라�Indian Aces: 바카라�All asexual people are not sex repulsed. Some of them are sex-positive. Sex libido and sexual desire are totally different than sexual attraction. Some asexual persons might indulge in sex as they would like to act on their libido or sex drive. They might do some adjustments with their partners as their partners are also adjusting.바카라�

So, asexuality is a spectrum comprising different forms of sexual behaviours바카라�ranging from demisexual to greysexual. Extrapolating the nuances, Luke Brunning, a faculty of Applied Ethics at the Centre for Love, Sex and Relationships, University of Leeds, says: 바카라�Associated with asexuality are greysexuality and demisexuality. Greysexuals experience sexual attraction, but only rarely. Demisexuals experience attraction only when they have a stable emotional connection with someone.바카라�

Together asexuality, greysexuality and demisexuality form a rough spectrum of experiences of sexual attraction. Many asexual people emphasise that they experience a range of other forms of attraction besides sexual attraction, Brunning adds.

Depending on their romantic orientations, asexual persons can identify themselves as hom­oromantic, heteroromantic, biromantic, queer-platonic or aromantic individuals. 바카라�Many asexual people are not aromantic. They have romantic relationships and have a romantic orientation to partners of different, the same, or both sexes,바카라� the scholar notes. Notably, a 2014 survey by Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) found that 25.9 per cent of asexual people are aromantic.

As the spectrum of asexuality is the least discussed matter in the discourse of LGBTQIA, asexual people spend most part of their lives in dilemma. And when they decide to come out after discovering their identities, they are bullied with suggestions바카라�as Julie Sondra Decker recalls in her seminal work The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality바카라�바카라�Why is it such a big deal to try sex?... You have a disorder... You바카라�re trying to be different. You just want attention...바카라�. Meanwhile, the major problem in discovering one바카라�s identity lies in the lack of knowledge or ignorance about asexuality.

바카라�A바카라�Sexual Dilemma

Fifty-four-year-old Aradhana (name held back to avoid identification) got married in 1997 to a cis-het man but discovered her identity after more than a decade. 바카라�I grew up in an age when asexuality was not even discovered. When asexuality was recognised, it was perhaps 1999,바카라� she says. However, people started to know about it during 2008-09 when the internet became accessible.

Since her teenage, though she romantically got engaged with men, sex was the last thing she desired. 바카라�I used to think why people would even want to do it?바카라� she asks. After marriage, the situation became more difficult as sex is considered one of the foundational principles of a successful marriage. 바카라�I was totally repulsive to penetrative sex. I was taken to gynecologists, psychiatrists and what not. They gave me a cognitive behaviour exercise to mend me,바카라� she adds.  

It was in 2008, when her marriage was under severe strain that she Googled 바카라�sexless marriage바카라� and got directed to the page of AVEN. This was the first time she knew about asexuality and its spectrum. 바카라�When I told my husband, he said I was making it up,바카라� Aradhana laments. However, in another few years, she came out to very close friends and family members. Still, she couldn바카라�t come out in public. 바카라�I am a public figure and people hardly understand asexuality. They would immediately tag me as a homosexual. So, it is better to not reveal my identity,바카라� says Aradhana, who currently identifies herself as aromantic asexual. 바카라�I started as a demi hetero-romantic asexual but with time, perhaps because of age, I lost the interest in romance as well,바카라� she adds.  

For Divya Chaturvedi, 28, the dilemma of sexuality was a constant companion. Since her teenage, she felt emotionally connected to women. 바카라�I tried to get romantically involved with heterosexual men. But it did not work out,바카라� she says. Once, she got into a long-distance relationship with a cis-het man; but realising that she wouldn바카라�t be able to give what a heterosexual relationship needs, she stepped back.  

The family바카라�s pressure to get married ultimately pushed her to discover her identity. 바카라�I was 24 when my family tried to get me married but I was quite sure that I wouldn바카라�t be able to romantically involve with the person. Why ruin someone else바카라�s life when I can바카라�t give to what the concept of marriage is,바카라� says Chaturvedi.  

She met some activist friends and went through a counselling session where she was given a range of questions to explain her experiences. 바카라�After answering the questions, I realised that those were extremely relatable to me. They told me that I belong to the spectrum of asexuality,바카라� she notes.

Through community platforms, she met her current partner who also identifies as an aromantic asexual. 바카라�It has been two years and we will be married soon. The best part of the relationship is that we understand each other very well.바카라� As her partner wants a family, they would go for an IVF and later adopt a child. 바카라�Our marriage, in a way, also helps me to get rid of the family burden of getting married,바카라� she adds.

Interestingly, when she tried to communicate her feelings and absence of sexual attraction to her sister-in-law, she mocked her and said, 바카라�the guy would make you learn things바카라�.  

Fear of Losing Love

Zainab, however, was not so fortunate to find an asexual partner. She tried to participate in sexual activities in the 바카라�fear of losing him바카라�. 바카라�But the efforts went in vain. I hardly have a sexual drive. So, it becomes really difficult and sometimes, I feel that I am ruining my husband바카라�s life,바카라� she says.

In her case, the intersectionality of religion and gender also played a huge role. 바카라�When I used to be in a live-in relationship with my partner, I thought I was unable to participate in sexual activity due to my religious prohibitions. In Islam, premarital sex is a sin. So, we got married thinking I would overcome my apprehensions.  But I was wrong,바카라� she says. Till now, it is only her husband and a very few close friends who know her identity. 바카라�It is very difficult to come out considering the layers of prohibitions among family and relatives,바카라� she adds.

Finding Solidarities

Addressing such instances, asexual activist Saxena notes, 바카라�People think that they can have sex after marriage because of the belief system and due to the lack of awareness, they end up marrying heterosexual people.바카라� To overcome such situations, he launched an application, known as the Ace App, for asexual people where they can get emotionally connected and find solidarity.

바카라�Several people across the world are now using this app to find partners. We don바카라�t charge anybody to attend our events, or to join the app. We know that there are several people who belong to underprivileged communities and are in need of support,바카라� adds the 30-year-old activist, who identifies them as homo-romantic asexual.

Saxena바카라�s story also traces back to days of the dilemma when people thought themselves to be homosexuals. 바카라�For the first few years, though I didn바카라�t feel sexually attracted towards men; I romantically preferred them over women,바카라� says Saxena. During 2010-11, Saxena got connected to LGBTQ activists but even they did not have much idea regarding asexuality. 바카라�A counsellor told me that there are several people who are afraid to have sex but later enjoy it. But I knew my identity,바카라� says Saxena. In 2013, Saxena launched the page Indian Asexuals and started posting basics on asexuality for the common people in English as well as in vernacular languages.

To connect to an asexual partner on the same spectrum seems to be a significant aspect of a healthy relationship. 바카라�Don바카라�t go for marriage of convenience. Don바카라�t get married to non-asexual persons. You have a good asexual population within India. If you look beyond the caste, gotra, colour, body, shape, size, distance, age, you will definitely find a good partner. But if you are dealing with somewhat nonsense preferences, you will destroy your life,바카라� says Saxena.

Talking about relationships between asexual and allosexual people, Brunning says: 바카라�What is most important in relationships between asexual and allosexual people is that they can communicate their desires and expectations clearly and build a relationship around a shared understanding.바카라�

Allosexual people, in particular, may have to work through the subtle ways and they might exp­ect a partner to change or to 바카라�compromise바카라� sexually, and work hard to really appreciate and understand the experiences of asexual people in societies which centre on sexuality or which seek to medicalise or deny their experiences, he adds.

Aradhana, nonetheless, is very clear about her position pertaining to relationships and marriage. 바카라�If you know that you are asexual, never get married to a sexual person unless you are pre­pared to give up your asexuality,바카라� she points out.

As asexual people stand in a totally different spectrum in contrast to sexual people, their identities also need different symbolism. In 2012, AVEN started a contest for selecting a flag for asexuals. A four-stripped flag was finalised바카라�the black strip represents asexuality, white stands for sexuality, grey is for those who are between asexual and allosexual spectrum바카라�it represents demi and sapiosexual people as well바카라�and finally, purple is for queer communities and other helping allies.

As homosexuality now finds its place in the broader sexual discourse(s) and the struggles for their rights get strengthened, the asexual community still awaits recognition. Many asexuals are still fighting to make people understand that 바카라�not having sex is also okay바카라�. There is always the fear of losing their respective partners. 바카라�If I won바카라�t be able to engage sexually, will they be there?바카라� Zainab바카라�s question echoes in the room. Perhaps, History of Sexuality needs to be rewritten to find the trajectories of the history of asexuality. 

(This appeared in the print as 'Beyond the Body')