Bringing Children Adopted By Foreigners And Indian Parents Together, One Reunion At A Time

A few years ago, in Delhi, I saw a father who had given up his two-month-old daughter for adoption to an orphanage, meet his child after 35 years. It was an electric moment. The two didn바카라�t exchange any word바카라�the girl had been adopted by a European family and didn바카라�t speak any Hindi, which was the only language the father understood바카라�but the way they looked at each other, overcome with emotions, you could tell that they were quietly making up for lost time.

But let me rewind a bit and place this reunion in context.

I had come in touch with Arun Dohle and Anj­ali Pawar who were facilitating the reunions bet­ween many adoptees living outside India and their biological parents in the country. Over the past 15 years, they have helped 55 adoptees from all over the world trace their biological par­ents in India. The two agreed to take me alo­ng for one of the reunions, which happened in a gurudwara in Delhi. The father was a Sikh, whi­ch is why he insisted that their first meeting hap­pen at a gurudwara. His daughter had been brought up as Christian. This was that reunion.

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The father just kept looking at his daughter awk­wardly for minutes on end and she, with a lot of hesitation, tried to make contact, by tou­c­hing him, stepping forward to embrace him. She went on to visit his house and was welcomed by everyone in it. She may not have found ans­w­ers to all her questions but, thanks to Dohle and Pawar, she had taken a huge stride towards finding a closure.

Three years later, as I got in touch with them, Dohle and Pawar told me they now have a website to help adoptees from India search their par­ents. This is how visitors to adopteerights­council.org are greeted: 바카라�Are you an Indian ado­ptee in search for answers about your adoption, your story, and your Indian roots? Are you looking for your Indian family? Wondering if they can be traced? We were in the same #crib and, thanks to intercountry adoption, our identities were wiped out바카라�.

Dohle knows the system well enough to help others. He바카라�s been through it himself. The India born-German national fought a legal battle for 17 years to be able to see his biological mother. In fact, his case, which went right up to the Sup­reme Court of India, paved the way for more ado­ptees to trace their roots.

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바카라�I wanted to search for my roots when I was 14. But it was not possible then. I resumed my search in 바카라�93. That바카라�s the first time I came to Ind­ia. I went to my orphanage and had the experience that most adoptees have바카라�they were not helpful in sharing my adoption records,바카라� Dohle says.

After 17 years of litigation, in 2010, he fina­lly was able to access his records and meet his mother. 바카라�It바카라�s a basic question every human bei­ng has, isn바카라�t it, to know where you come from, where you belong,바카라� he says. Dohle, who runs the child rights NGO ACT (Against Child Traffic­k­ing), along with Anjali Pawar, who works as a consultant for the NGO, now work round the year to help other adoptees trace their roots.

But even after all these years, having come to know the system inside out, their work hasn바카라�t become any easier. The process is fraught with obstructions. The biggest bottleneck is in getting adoption records from the orphanages, for whi­ch the two have often had to approach courts.

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Even after getting a favourable verdict, there바카라�s the question of how to get the adoptee meet the­ir biological parent. In a society that looks down upon single mothers, women often prefer to keep children born out of wedlock hidden from the world. They often give their children over to orp­hanages, from where the adoptees are taken in by families from within the country and outside. After all these years, many ­mothers, for obvious reasons, don바카라�t want to ­accept their past.

바카라�In a recent case we had an adoptee, Sulekha, come to us looking for her mother. After a long struggle we managed to trace her mother. As in most cases we found that the child was born out of wedlock. I went up to her and told her that her daughter was looking for her. The mother didn바카라�t want her family to know about it. So we kept the meeting private. It was a cathartic exp­erience for both,바카라� Anjali says.

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She feels that mee­tings held privately help people looking for closure much more than reuions between parents and children in public. 바카라�In private, both parent and child can cry as much as they want. They can embrace each other without inhibitions. It바카라�s healing for them,바카라� says Anjali, who has organised many such meetings at her own house.

Outlook contacted Sulekha to understand what the process meant to her. Sulekha, who was adopted by a family from the Nether­l­ands, says that she grew up with a lot of questi­o­ns about her adoption. In what circumstances was she given up? Did she have any brothers or sisters back in India? Did the family have a history of any hereditary diseases? Did she resemble her biological mother? How was her mother doing? Did she ever think about Sulekha?

바카라�I completely understand that we had to meet my mother in secret. If the truth came out, it would put her in great danger. But I do think it바카라�s a pity that after so many years and after such a long search, it had to be like this. It makes me sad that there seems no other way we could do this. Even though the meeting happened in sec­ret, my mother understood what happened and we made a connection. It was a very important moment and it has given me a lot of peace,바카라� Sul­ekha told Outlook.

But not every such reunion happens in the dark. There is the case of David Kildendal Niel­sen, who was adopted by Danish parents when he was about 16 months old from an orphanage in Chennai. Thanks to Dohle and Pawar바카라�s eff­orts, David met his mother in October 2019. 바카라�It was very emotional but also a big relief. I had been searching for close to seven years from February 2013 until November 2019, but it was during my last trip to Chennai that I found her,바카라�  David recalled, admitting that he had given up all hope after potentially exhausting all possibilities. 바카라�바카라�Seeing her바카라� is very difficult to put into words. So many times, I have imagined what she would look like. Then suddenly she stands bef­ore me. Forty years of separation and then we were re-united; try and explain that,바카라� he added.

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If there바카라�s anything about this process that aff­ects him, Dohle says, it바카라�s how adoptees expect him to help them for free. 바카라�A large number of adoptees get angry about that. That really takes a mental toll. People expect me to do this for free. Some of the adoptees are not even ready to fight their own cases. They expect me to raise funds for them, fight authorities and legal battles on their behalf. It gets crazy sometimes.바카라�

Dohle and Pawar have solved this problem by proposing a financially sustainable model for adoptees who want to trace their roots. On their website they state that in over 10 years searching in India, they바카라�ve found that the real cost of such searches is at least Rs 17 lakh.

바카라�The time and costs involved are incredible and we provide aftercare/advice even after the seven-year period,바카라� he said. So they바카라�ve come up with a seven-year-long subscription model. 바카라�From our side, we have to gather necessary inf­ormation such as name and address of the Ind­ian family within 24 months. If we fail, you can stop the subscription...,바카라� he added.

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But then, what drives these people to go to such great lengths to find their biological family? Sho­uldn바카라�t adoptees, who otherwise may have been living in dire circumstances, be thankful for growing up in a financially secure env­i­r­on­ment?

The answer to this question can be found in the testimonial of one Linzi Ibrahim on Dohle바카라�s website. 바카라�Out of a small group of adoptees who were adopted from Sri Lanka to NSW (New South Wales), Australia: three have committed suicide, three have had a few failed suicide att­empts, three have a history of self-harm, two have been in jail, many experience mental and emotional distress.

Linzi, an adoptee herself, also wrote that ben­eath the facade of 바카라�perfectly happy바카라� faces are people hiding their pain. 바카라�There are adoptees who think they are completely unaffected by their adoptions. But sometimes a traumatic event affects them more than it would affect a non-adopted person. We are taught to be grateful for losing our families. We are expected to fit in and ignore our past,바카라� she wrote, adding that most of the adoptees are unaware that the root cause of their lies in the fact that they were adopted. 바카라�Why would we think that adoption could be the cause of so many of our problems when it only brings positivity?바카라� she added, laying bare the deep psychlogical wounds that sacr the hearts of many adoptees.

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Dohle recalls at least four adoptees who were driven to suicide by their trauma that came from a sense of disp­lacement. Of one person he says, 바카라�She first agreed to search through us. Then finally she travelled alone to the city where her biological family lived. The orphanage stalled her atte­m­p­ts to seek her adoption records. Three months after her return to Belgium she jumped out of her apartment window.바카라�

The emotional burden of someone growing up looking inexplicably different from those aro­u­nd them can push people to their limits. Dohle knows this fully well. He was a well-to-do financial consultant based in Germany. He had a family of his own. Until he became obsessed with the idea of searching for his roots.

바카라�Adoption is a very serious matter. It changes the identity of the child permanently, severs all ties they could have with their community. We should see adoption as a form of slavery. In my own case, my personal life took a hit. My marriage fell apart. I don바카라�t have a place to live in Germany. I really wanted to find my biological family and I put a lot of energy into it. Over time I saw many people turn against me,바카라� Dohle says.

When asked whether the meeting with his mother gave him a sense of closure, or is he still looking for justice, Dohle says, 바카라�I am looking for justice. I want compensation. What happened to me shouldn바카라�t happen to others. Justice can happen in India and I바카라�m trying to ensure that it happens to everyone like me. I don바카라�t want to see other adoptees suffer.바카라�

(This appeared in the print edition as "In Search of Closure...")

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