Women, Grief And The Invisible Labour Of Love And Duty

The day Vineeta Khare바카라�s mother-in-law died was the first time her husband바카라�s family spoke to her in 30 years. 바카라�You have to bathe the body to get it ready for pooja,바카라� her sister-in-law said.

Khare바카라�s marriage is, as she describes, 바카라�A sham바카라�. She lives in the house subsisting on a court-ordered maintenance, sharing neither room nor affection with her husband or his family.

Her husband, a grieving son, had all but collapsed in a disassociate state. I watched for hours as he sat on a couch surrounded by relatives lamenting that he was now a 70-year-old orphan. 바카라�He바카라�s too distraught to think of making arrangements; he needs all our support right now,바카라� Khare바카라�s sister-in-law told me.

So, when the woman passed away during the first phase of the COVID-19 pandemic, it fell on Khare to lift her stiff corpse from the bed, rigor mortis was setting in, carry it to the bathroom, undress the body and clean the excrement that바카라�s released in the final moments of life, apply sandalwood, pick a saree, and dress the corpse. This is a typical Hindu custom in many regions, including Delhi where I was attending the funeral because Khare is my neighbour.

When I watched the miniseries, Adolescence, that day at Khare바카라�s house came to my mind. The show follows 13-year-old Jamie Miller who murders his classmate Katie after she rejects his advances. Created by Stephen Graham and co-written by him and Jack Thorne, this Netflix show is making waves for its insightful and unflinching look at how online misogyny affects young men, and for its heartbreaking portrayal of a family coming undone by Jamie바카라�s crime. The show has not only garnered high praise for its cinematographic prowess, but it has also sparked a serious conversation globally about the creators of online misogynistic content, and how to protect children from the violent misogyny portrayed by such creators. On March 31, the UK government decreed that all its schools will screen the show as part of their curriculum against misogyny.

This, however, isn바카라�t an essay about the boys and the men in that show. I find myself focused on the women characters바카라�the boy바카라�s mother and sister바카라�Manda and Lisa Miller, performed by actors Christine Tremarco and Amélie Pease. These two characters바카라� job in the show seems to be to hold sympathy for the 13-year-old protagonist Jamie바카라�understandable, he is their kin바카라�and help Eddie Miller, played by Stephen Graham, through the difficult realisation that his son is not the 바카라�good boy바카라� they all thought he was.

In Adolescence, the family dynamic is established early in the series, from the first scene in fact. The viewer sees only Eddie following the police around the house in the arrest scene; his sister is crumpled up in the bathroom바카라�hidden literally and metaphorically, as it turns out, through the course of the show.

In the next scene, at the police station, Eddie is ready to have it out with the police officers. He바카라�s livid, he바카라�s shouting, he could well attack the cops. It바카라�s Manda Miller whose hand on her husband바카라�s shoulder acts as a calming balm. She바카라�s quick to wipe her tears when the officer comes to speak to the parents. As the conversation between the parents and the police progresses, Manda is on duty on two fronts. On one hand, she바카라�s taking in information about her son바카라�after all, it바카라�s her youngest child, her only son, who바카라�s accused of murder바카라�and she has questions too. On the other, she must also keep a watch on her husband바카라�s reactions.

Tremarco does a fantastic job of depicting Manda바카라�s dual distress: in the scene the actor바카라�s body is half-turned towards Graham바카라�s and her eyes dart towards him every time he delivers a dialogue. As Eddie Miller antagonises the officer with snide remarks about the competency of public defenders, it is Manda Miller who says 바카라�okay바카라� to her son getting aid from a state-provided public defender. Her voice is muted, but Tremarco바카라�s deliberate rushed delivery conveys a sense of urgency: Manda Miller is saying 바카라�okay바카라� even before her husband바카라�s temper and pride could cost them the much-needed help.

In the same scene the audience sees Lisa Miller, Jamie바카라�s sister, once again, out of focus and bunched up upon a bench behind the cop. Even as her mother stands up for her바카라�바카라�why바카라�d you throw my daughter to the floor?바카라�바카라�the teenage girl rushes to downplay any injury to her: 바카라�I바카라�m okay,바카라� she says.

It is when Jamie and Eddie are at the boy바카라�s pre-arraignment physical that the audience sees Manda Miller바카라�s calming presence on the father. In her absence, Eddie Miller, in his haste to protect his son, almost comes to blows with the people trying to conduct the exam. Here, it is the public defender who provides emotional regulation in a manner by explaining to the father that the exam would be useful in Jamie바카라�s defence.

Through the show, we hardly see Lisa Miller. One might think a 16-year-old girl who finds out that her brother stabbed a teenage girl seven times and killed her would have some mixed feelings. We know she바카라�s bullied by boys in her school바카라�she mentions it in the last episode바카라�so she has some firsthand experience and could relate to Katie also. But, when she is in the scenes, Lisa is either showing open support for her baby brother, or working to diffuse tensions between her parents and the world at large.

We never see the grief, or confusion, and mixed feelings of shock and betrayal, that the Miller women would have felt when confronted with Jamie바카라�s crime. In fact, we hardly see their emotions at all. Manda and Lisa are too busy to feel complex emotions during the four-episode series; they are processing the emotions of Eddie and Jamie.

I don바카라�t think Graham and Thorne wrote the Miller family women like this by accident. This depiction of the women in a family is quite accurate. Women have consistently borne the physical, psychological and societal brunt of their male family members바카라� actions and emotions. This includes helping members of the family manage their emotions, ensuring that the family harmony is maintained, and seeing to the needs of family members. And, often, as seen by the metaphor of these women바카라�s invisibility in on-screen, this is done without recognition or reciprocation.

This hidden work, known as cognitive labour, cannot really be measured because it바카라�s internal and invisible. However, a 2019 study from Harvard University noted: 바카라�Cognitive labour is a gendered phenomenon: women do more cognitive labour overall.바카라� The study바카라�s author, Allison Daminger, found that not only were women doing the lion바카라�s share of the work, but that it is also linked to the power dynamics between men and women.

Daminger identified four stages of mental work or cognitive labour within households: anticipating needs, identifying options, deciding among the options and finally ensuring the desired outcome is reached. Mothers in Daminger바카라�s study, she found, did more in all four stages. While mothers and fathers often made decisions expected to plan, implement and monitor the consequences. In other words, mothers did most of the legwork.

This is also seen in the final scene of the show when the father and mother are speaking sitting inside their bedroom. It is Manda Miller who cajoles information and grief out of her husband. Why are you holding it in, she asks him calmly, while no one addresses how much she is holding back her grief in order to hold her family together. 바카라�I바카라�ve never even seen the tape,바카라� she points out (The tape of Jamie stabbing Katie). Finally, Eddie collapses into Manda바카라�s arms, seeking reassurance that he had nothing to do with his son바카라�s propensity towards misogyny and violence against women.

바카라�That he바카라�s found guilty is probably for the best,바카라� says Manda Miller to her husband, adding that, 바카라�if you were honest you바카라�d see that as well.바카라� She is fighting back tears as Eddie replies that he didn바카라�t want to believe. And even as Eddie Miller continues to deny the findings and facts, it바카라�s Manda who has to face up to their part in Jamie바카라�s radicalisation. 바카라�He would slam the door, go straight up to the computer바카라� I바카라�d see the lights on at one o바카라�clock in the morning.바카라�

바카라�We couldn바카라�t do nothing about it바카라� all kids are like that nowadays바카라� I didn바카라�t give him that, did I?바카라� says Eddie. And then we have Manda taking responsibility, not her husband. 바카라�Remember what she said, we are not to blame,바카라� he says. To which we see Manda바카라�s partial face, blurred slightly, with a voice ringing clear: 바카라�but we made him.바카라�

This takes me back to Khare, who, despite being hated, and shouted at by her mother-in-law, was the one to ultimately wipe up the literal shit and urine of the woman바카라�s corpse, while the son, who had received nothing but love and praise for years, got to sit and grieve amongst a cohort of supportive family and friends.

I watched Khare not only perform this custom, but also run around the house organising water, food, flowers, incense for the rituals, while her husband and his family sat on the living room couch, occupied with their grief. When I asked her why she was doing all this for a woman who had many times been heard through our street screaming at her, she replied, 바카라�Well, who else is going to do it?바카라� Asked if she felt anything about her mother-in-law바카라�s death바카라�anger, relief, any unresolved feelings바카라�Khare replied, 바카라�I바카라�ll think about it later. No time to feel abhi."