Book Excerpt: Interpreter Of Maladies

Returning, I say to myself in my head. I think of seagulls. Or is it cranes? Suddenly, I can hear every single second of the ticking clock. I hear a game someone in the waiting room is playing, little flourishes after collecting digital diamonds. I hear a motorcycle horn. Kishore Kumar still sings.

바카라�I did the tests and everything . . . I guess I just want to know . . . if something is wrong. Do I have a disorder?바카라�

Will me wanting something to be wrong with me somehow bias Nirmal? Will she think something is even more wrong with me? What am I even thinking?

Nirmal smiles.

바카라�Tell me your symptoms. Whatever is striking you if you think.바카라�

바카라�I바카라�m just tired, I can바카라�t focus, I worry a lot, my thought patterns are a bit . . . And I feel tired.바카라�

바카라�Every day? Most days?바카라�

바카라�For some time every day.바카라�

바카라�Are you sleeping as you regularly do? More? Less?바카라�

Like adding salt to kovakkai curry. Little more?

바카라�The usual, I think. I sleep around eleven . . .바카라� I think back to that moment before sleep, which sometimes passes fast and sometimes stays like a rain cloud. 바카라�I wake up at seven.바카라� Because Amma is talking, clattering, opening doors around then. Sunlight slowly fills the house, waking up slowly, after Amma. In college, I used to wake up only when the garbage trucks wheeled the ten-foot-high bins down the back lanes outside my window, a loud rumbling, the views broken into grids by scaffolding.

Anxiety and depression in jitters. Shutterstock

바카라�Right,바카라� Nirmal says. She taps at the file. 바카라�It is quite clear here. You have mild strains of clinical depression and very much of anxiety.바카라�

Thank God.
Or . . . maybe not?
I don바카라�t know.

I focus on the small details: the blue vein on her right hand, the cream stripe on her blue polo-neck shirt, the Tupperware box under her desk, filled with sweet lime rinds.

바카라�All right.바카라�
바카라�Would you like to discuss this?바카라�

No.

바카라�Sure.바카라�

Nirmal explains depression and anxiety both 바카라� the lows and the jitters 바카라� but I don바카라�t remember what she says exactly. I just nod at the words that filter through to me: irritable and intelligence and energy and perception.
바카라�But most importantly, dear, you can easily manage them and live a healthy and productive life. I can definitely help you. Are you overwhelmed?바카라� She taps her pen against her prescription pad; it lands softly. 바카라�Usually, people sit here for hours. One patient sat for so long, asking so many questions . . .바카라� She looks more closely at me.

바카라�No, I went to my college counsellor, and you know, they had these little books . . . How to identify . . . and then all kinds of illnesses. You know? So maybe . . .바카라� I look down at my palms.

바카라�I spent some time there, you know,바카라� Nirmal says. 바카라�In the UK. Mostly in Cambridge. It was so easy to drive there. Here, just one main road makes me deaf . . . Tell me how you feel, dear. Take your time.바카라�

I look up at her and she is just looking right at me.

바카라�I know other people suffer . . . But I just didn바카라�t think I was sad enough . . . if that바카라�s what I바카라�m supposed to think? Or anxious enough.바카라�

We both, or maybe I just imagine this, look to the side: the closed door, the version of myself that no longer exists.

I look at the lizard under the tube light on the wall.

바카라�Is that like a specific subspecies?바카라� I ask. 바카라�Of lizard. The domesticated tube light lizard.바카라�

Nirmal gracefully accepts my need to change the topic. She turns around and looks at the lizard. The light falls slant on her hair.

She isn바카라�t talking, which makes me nervous. I feel I need to say something to indicate my emotional thought process. Something revealing about who I am as a person. I think of Amma, appearing from the kitchen doorway, giving Nirmal tea in a ceramic mug. What did the mug say? I can picture it if I really think . . . It바카라�s still there now, hung up above the sink in a line with all the other mugs, their faces tilted towards the sun . . . Did it say 바카라�Don't talk to me before coffee' in a cheery bubble font?

바카라�My mother says I do this a lot,바카라� I say. 바카라�What?바카라�

바카라�Ask unanswerable questions.바카라�

바카라�Aha?바카라� She is waiting for more.

Or maybe the mug had little volume levels: mood after one coffee. Two. Three.

바카라�Your mother is a lovely lady,바카라� Nirmal says, laying her hand flat on the desk. 바카라�So strong. I was speaking to her after a long time when she called to tell me about you. What do you ask her, do you remember any questions?바카라�

바카라�I don바카라�t know. I바카라�ll let you know if I remember.바카라�

바카라�Please do,바카라� Nirmal says. 바카라�Please do, dear. You should keep a note. Sometimes we forget things . . .바카라� She waves her hand around her temples, like she바카라�s catching air.

바카라�If we do not keep a note. And now that you are my patient, I would like to know. Will you tell me?바카라� She looks down at her notes. 바카라�How do you feel about medication?바카라�

바카라�Sure,바카라� I say. Then I realize that didn바카라�t really answer her question directly. I feel great about medication but don바카라�t want to seem insane. She starts writing, a scribble, every wave a crest, a cliché of a doctor바카라�s penmanship.

바카라�Very small dosage for you, to start with. Let us see how you find it. If it is useful, you will see a visible improvement.바카라�

She passes me the prescription pad.

바카라�You can buy these medicines from the receptionist right outside the office. And you make another appointment, you come back in one week.바카라�

바카라�Sure.바카라�

바카라�If anything is required, call. I find it difficult to respond to messages,바카라� Nirmal says.

바카라�Can I do everything with this medicine? I mean . . .바카라�

바카라�You can be active,바카라� Nirmal says. 바카라�In fact, you must. At least two hours walking. And you can eat everything.바카라�
I think of the rule about not eating before swimming. I wonder why I바카라�m thinking that.

바카라�Bye, Doctor, thank you so much.바카라�

바카라�Any time, dear.바카라�

I slip out of the door and I look at my phone. Only twenty minutes. I wonder why I바카라�m paying for the hour. And by 바카라�I바카라�, I mean 바카라�Amma.바카라�

I pay and pick up my medicines.
Look how seamless these transactions are. How very in control of my life I am.

I feel detached: like I바카라�m administering help to somebody who isn바카라�t me. Usually, I바카라�m fine with this. But I wonder what it would be like to actually just feel something for once. My heart aches and a drowsy numbness pains my sense . . .

When I get home, I see Appa sitting on the landing outside the house, in just his white banian and linen shorts. In front of him are spread boot polish, sponges stolen from hotels and five formal pairs of shoes 바카라� wingtips, tasselled loafers, brogues, Oxfords.

Book cover of The Worlds Within You

바카라�Um,바카라� I say. 바카라�What are you doing?바카라�

바카라�Polishing my shoes. How was the doctor? Sam. Sam!바카라� Sam runs out, still in her school uniform. 바카라�What, Pa?바카라�

바카라�Get me a rag.바카라�

바카라�It was fine. I mean, we only spent like ten minutes together. Oh also, she played a Kishore Kumar song.바카라�

Amma wanders outside, still in her black kurta and big silver necklace, and sits down on the steps. 바카라�Which song?바카라� she asks.

바카라�Lena hoga janam hume . . .바카라� I half-sing.

바카라�Kai kai baar,바카라� Amma says. 바카라�Shekar, remember? Oh God.

What polish is this?바카라�

바카라�All polish smells the same, Hema,바카라� Appa says. 바카라�Ami, you know what we all loved on campus? Hema, what was that song?바카라�

바카라�What song?바카라� Amma asks.

Sam slips her hand into mine. 바카라�What was the diagnosis?바카라� 바카라�Anxiety and depression. But only mild. Gave me medicine.바카라� I stare down at my sandals. I need to re-polish my toenails. Sam lays her head on my shoulder.

바카라�Appadi. How suddenly?바카라� Appa asks.

바카라�What do you mean, 바카라�how바카라�, Shekar. It바카라�s not cholera,바카라� Amma stares down at him.

바카라�So what medication is it? Tell me, I바카라�ll look it up,바카라� Appa says.

바카라�No, Pa,바카라� Sam objects. 바카라�Please, I don바카라�t want you telling her any creepy side effects.바카라�

바카라�If it바카라�s liver damage, organ failure, something, we shouldn바카라�t know?바카라� Appa asks.

바카라�It바카라�s like the tiniest dose ever, Pa, nobody is getting liver damage,바카라� I say. 바카라�Nirmal knows what she바카라�s doing.바카라�

바카라�Nothing. Doesn바카라�t know what she바카라�s doing. Came and nicely told Thatha he had depression. He didn바카라�t have depression. He had a sodium-level problem because of those jokers at the hospital. Get me a rag, someone.바카라�

바카라�Of course, of course. Psychiatrists are wrong, doctors are wrong, but only you are right,바카라� Amma says. She hands Appa a rag torn from an old undershirt.

(Excerpted from 바카라�The Worlds Within You바카라� by Shreya Ramachandran, with permission from Penguin Random House India. Shreya Ramachandran grew up in Chennai and studied South Asian literature and history. She writes about mental health on her blog)