Questions That Keep Gaza Psychologist Ahmed R Mortaja From Madness

바카라�29 October, 6:08 pm 
 
Ahmed, coming out from under the rubble, speaks to you바카라� 
 
The one who inhaled thousands of tons of dust바카라� My colour is grey (in case you need to know my colour)바카라�The one who was unable to count his family members, split between the colours (of red and grey)- if you were able to see the colours anyway.  
 
Colours here do not have the luxury of being chosen. Red: You are full of blood. Grey: You have just embraced your and your neighbours바카라� houses and stones, and came out breathing. 
 
Ahmed, who witnessed death a bit ago, and whose experience in psychological support failed to help him overcome the screams of children and mothers. 
 
My words could not assist me in formulating anything to say that could comfort children바카라�s hearts. In fact, I did not see anyone. I only knew they were alive from their screams (a tip for you: always know your loved ones바카라� screams, it is the only way you could recognize them, and know if they were alive or not). 
 
I, Ahmed, hate all the dreams that I have. I no longer have beautiful family memories, no friends left to recognize, or a safe home to be in. 
 
I, Ahmed, hate the world that cannot stop a war bigger than my heart and the hearts of children. 
 
I am Ahmed, and I do not want to arrange this text, as I am in a hurry. I may not be able to publish it before another shell misses me, and both of us, the text and I, see the light.바카라� 
 
Amhed R Mortaja, a psychologist who serves as a programme officer at the Jerusalem-based NGO, Al Nayzak바카라�s Gaza branch, trained over 300 adolescents and youth on capacity-building and civic-empowerment aspects over the past few years. But the war was getting on his nerves.  
 
Just a day before this narrow escape from death, he wrote on Facebook that his tongue felt 바카라�knotted바카라� and his language reflected confusion and fear.
 
바카라�My letters come out stammering, full of inaudible screams,바카라� he wrote. He was upset at having repeatedly failed to describe with his words what he had been witnessing. His language collapsed with the very first encounter with a child, whom he saw trying to describe an entire city burning, having never seen a fire bigger than a match in his life. 
 
바카라�I think about having a normal conversation that is bigger than 바카라�Did you find water?바카라� 바카라�Did you take a shower?바카라� 바카라�What did you have for lunch?바카라� 바카라�Are you happy?바카라� 바카라�Far or near?바카라� and I fail to find questions bigger than that,바카라� he wrote.  
 
The October 27 incident destabilised him all the more. Those alive shifted to a different locality but the situation was not much different 바카라� nonstop sounds of bombing, darkness, and occasional chances to use the internet. In a November 2 tweet, he suggested that Israel should nuke Gaza and get relieved of the Gazans for good. He was sure, 바카라�You will be able to justify it like the rest of the massacres you have committed.바카라� He was also sure that the world would not do anything except ask Gazans for forgiveness.  
 
In a November 18 Facebook post, Mortaja wrote about living 바카라�a terrifying nightmare바카라� called 바카라�war바카라� 바카라� 바카라�with my eyes open, which to this day have not had two hours of peaceful, uninterrupted, safe, and happy sleep.바카라� 
 
He wrote that he considered himself lucky to be able to manage his coffee and that he spends a lot of time searching for an economical way to make coffee. He declared, 바카라�From my simple experience now: coffee satisfies your hunger for the longest possible period.바카라� 
 
He asked which sound was faster 바카라� the sound of the rocket, or the scream of a child who picked up the rocket with his mouth and spat it out while pronouncing the Shahada (declaration of faith in no god but Allah). He then warned, 바카라�Do not immerse yourself too much into that question, because while you are thinking of a smart, logical answer, there is another child who fell while reciting the screams.바카라� He said he keeps asking himself questions, considering it the only way 바카라�to save me from madness.바카라� 
 
In a post on November 24, he remembered a child, whom he tried to save with his first aid skills but could not, asking him before dying, 바카라�Does the one who put us in war realize that our hearts are small and cannot bear war?바카라� Since then, his memory "has not stopped collecting the screams of children.바카라�  
 
Memories, questions, and confusion started crowding his mind. There were too many reasons to cry, to go mad, to break down. Yet, questions about his true nature and human nature in general plagued him.  
 
In one Facebook post on December 3, he wrote that he was composing the text while shivering. Even though he tried to justify this shivering by telling himself that he was shivering from cold, and not from fear, he was actually shivering from both cold and fear. He asked himself what was for him the true definition of fear, finding especially that he 바카라�was the first to run upon hearing the sound of shrapnel flying towards us.바카라�  
 
바카라�What was I afraid of? And why do they call fleeing 바카라�the sweetness of the soul바카라� when what happens is the opposite of sweetness,바카라� he asked in that post. 
 
Such existentialist questions were not enough. He wanted to "cry continuously and uncontrollably, away from anything that interrupts my crying,바카라� he wrote in a December 6 post on Facebook. He wanted the world to allow his tears to mix as much as possible with the blood being spilled. He wanted to taste the saltiness of his tears. 바카라�And with every pinch of salt, I curse the world a thousand times,바카라� he wrote.  
 
Mortaja was disappointed that he did not have enough time to tell the world about the friends he lost and what they were dreaming of. Things kept turning only worse. No one knew if the place where they settled after displacement was safe. People were scared of everything, even if someone sneezed without giving a warning. The only way to communicate with friends and family was to take the risk of physically visiting where they were or waiting for any news to come, which might well be false.  
 
바카라�Clear and widespread fatigue, like a deadly infection, on the faces of everyone around me, including the writer of this bulletin,바카라� he wrote on December 17, appearing on a social media platform after a 10-day break. Then there was silence again. 
 
(Outlook tried to contact him several times but was unsuccessful. The English translation of his October 27 post has been done by volunteers at Gaza Passages, which encourages wider circulation of the text.)